By: Rory Panter, Psy.D. and Rebecca Schulman, Psy.D., BCBA-D
Behavior Therapy Associates | Somerset, New Jersey
The last several weeks have resulted in significant changes for families, as parents and children are now spending most of their time together in the home. Many parents are trying to balance work, child-care, and distance learning for their children, while also trying to manage children’s challenging behaviors. It is common for many children to exhibit behavior difficulties during transitions or times of stress. The impact that COVID-19 has had on families has resulted in likely one of the biggest transitions for children in their lifetime. Children may be experiencing a variety of emotions, such as fear, confusion, anger, anxiety, and boredom, which may influence the development or exacerbation of challenging behaviors. Using several important behavior strategies, parents can better address their children’s challenging behaviors and make this time at home run a bit more smoothly for everyone.
Set Realistic Expectations for Yourself and Your Children
You are now juggling more roles and responsibilities than ever. It is important to be realistic regarding what you and your children can accomplish each day, particularly as your attention must be divided. Decide as a family what values are important during this time at home together and talk openly about these values. If you are co-parenting, make sure that all adults involved are sending the same message to your children about behaving in accordance with these values. Consistency among parents/guardians is the key to creating a cohesive family.
Set Up Home Schedules and Routines
Setting up and sticking to a regular schedule will help children understand that they are not simply on vacation. The schedule can be similar to a school day schedule, alternating periods of study, play, and activities of daily living and changing activities at set time intervals.
Children should wake up, eat, and go to bed at their typical times. Consistency and structure help children know what is going to happen and when, which can help to reduce anxiety, as well as increase compliance.
Have your children contribute to their own daily schedule to make it a more interactive and fun activity. Children can help select which fun activities to include, as well as the order in which they would like to complete certain tasks. Providing children with choices increases their sense of control.
Incorporating novel activities into the routine, such as games, exercise videos, and cooking may also help to keep children engaged.
It may be helpful to review the schedule as a family each morning. For a child who is a more visual learner, pictures can be added to improve comprehension of the schedule. Using timers can also increase predictability, informing children when activities are about to end, which can help children calmly transition from one activity to another.
Although you want to try to stick to the schedule and routines as much as possible, flexibility is also needed during this time. It is inevitable that something will not go as planned each day (e.g. a conference call ran longer than you predicted). Don’t Panic! Your children will be taking their cues on how to behave from you so try to remain calm and engage in a problem-solving activity to remedy the situation. This glitch in the plan could serve as a great teachable moment to work on problem-solving skills with your child.
Be a Model
Social Learning Theory posits that we learn behavior from observing the behaviors of others. There are bound to be times when your children become upset and raise their voices at you. The key is how you respond to your child. If, in frustration, you raise your voice toward your child, you have taught them that yelling at each other is acceptable behavior. If you say to your child, in a raised voice, ‘Don’t yell at me!” you are sending a mixed message. Modeling the appropriate behavior will help your child to learn the more appropriate behavior. So, instead, take a deep breath and say in a calm and even tone of voice, “We can talk when you are using a calm voice like mine.” It is also important that we model ways to appropriately manage our emotions, such as uncertainty, fear, frustration, and anxiety, during this stressful time. It is okay to validate for your children that this is a stressful time and that you too are experiencing similar feelings. However, rather than demonstrate excessive worry in front of your children, model the ways that you are in control of the situation (e.g., thoroughly washing your hands, social distancing, etc.) and staying calm (e.g., taking a break, taking deep breaths, going on a walk, reaching out to a friend virtually, etc.).
Reinforce Desired Behavior
Praise the appropriate behavior. Don’t just save the reinforcement for the end of the day, give it out in small increments throughout the day. Let your kids know that you are watching and noticing all the good things they are doing. Verbal praise is an excellent and quick way to let your children know you are proud of them and you appreciate their efforts. “Catch them being good!” Let your children know how pleased you are that they are completing their work independently, playing nicely with their siblings, or how nicely they remembered to ask for more snacks. You can do this with behavior specific feedback so that you are identifying the correct behavior that made you proud: “I am so impressed with how you are doing your work independently and asking for help when needed;” “I love how you two are playing together;” or “Thank you for remembering to ask before you took more chips.” A thumbs up sign or an okay sign can do the trick. Sometimes a simple smile from mom or dad can work magic.
Know When to Seek Out Help
Parenting is a demanding job and can present many unique challenges, especially during times of change and stress. If you are experiencing ongoing difficulty in your interactions with your child, it may be time to seek out professional assistance. Parent Management Training (PMT) or Behavioral Parent Training (BPT) is a method of intervention and support, in which a therapist teaches parents how to more effectively manage their child’s challenging behaviors. The therapist works directly with the parents to provide them with both intervention strategies and prevention skills. Parents then act as the agent of change as they use the strategies they have learned with their own children. The best hope for more consistent and stable behavior change in a child rests in modifying their environment.
About Behavior Therapy Associates
Behavior Therapy Associates (BTA) provides clinical services, consultation and training using evidence-based approaches within the context of sensitivity and compassion while recognizing the uniqueness of each individual and setting. Offices in Somerset, NJ.
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